monkey brain No. 4
White rage fatigue, my love mantra for 2026, and pouring one out for the homies.
Welcome to Monkey Brain — the series where I share a stream of random thoughts from the month, powered by Billy, the monkey banging cymbals in my head. If it’s your first time here and this is your first impression of me, welcome, hello, and maybe sorry? Glad to have you here. If you’ve been here before, happy to have you back. Now let’s get into it.
Some day the sky above will open up
And he will reach out his hand and guide me through
Oh yes he will
I won’t always be crying these tears
I won’t always be feeling so blue
Some day, he will open up the door for me
And call my name
Some day he will
Sandy Rivera - low lights / So Alive
Welcome Home, James!
For those who may not know, a newer friend of mine, James, was unlawfully detained in December by Venezuelan authorities. That was not how I imagined spending the last hours of my birthday or the end of 2026, but with the power of community, he has made it home. Major shout-out to Autumn and LaChelle Chrysanne, who first informed us and helped bring clarity in the midst of uncertainty. Together, we put our minds—and hearts—toward mobilizing support. I also want to say thank you to everyone who used their platforms to uplift James’s story, and to everyone who took a moment to email representatives on his behalf. It truly made a difference and is truly a blessing to have him back home. Watching so many people come together reminded me of what love in action actually looks like, and you are deeply loved, James Luckey. You can read about his experience below.
Ten years of TLOP.
Since we are all suddenly nostalgic about 2016, I took a moment to stroll down memory lane and realized it’s been 10 years since The Life Of Pablo, Kanye West’s 7th album, was released. This was such a dope time, and this album is connected to so many memories for me. Like the time I my had my students, back when I was an art teacher, make comparisons between Kanye & Pablo Picasso. A comparison I’d love to see y’all discuss in the comments. The time my roommates and I were blasting this album through the Hollywood Hills in the middle of a crazy heat wave, my first summer in LA. Or on my graduation day, getting my makeup done by one of my best friends, rapping the lyrics with her. This album means a lot to me. I also have no problem saying that Kanye (Ye) is my problematic fave. It’s a very complicated place to be, but here we are. One of my favorite songs on this project is without question Highlights, but especially with the introduction of Low Lights. I always liked the testimony part, but it wasn’t until hearing those two songs again recently together that I TRULY felt what she was saying on that track. So much has happened in the past ten years. So much loss, so much change, so much growth. That song really was speaking for me before I could fully understand, and if what I’d been living was in fact the low lights, then baby, the shift is here. The shift is now. As much as we might be giving each other a hard time about obsessing over 2016, I’m reclaiming the freedom I felt that year. The creativity, the joy, but accompanied by the blessings and the overflow that took however long for me to reach. I’m ready and prepared to receive it. I claim it in the name of my good lord and savior Jesus Christ and I wish the same for all of you. WE REALLY BACK. WE ONLY MAKING THE HIGHLIGHTS. One thing I want to highlight is ..
You’ve Got to show me love is the theme song for my love life in 2026
If you don’t know this Robin S classic, you need to do yourself a favor and get hip, because it is truly amazing. When I say love life, I mean love in all forms, not just romantic love. This year and forevermore, we’re not accepting anything less. Come real, and come ready to love. First and foremost, that starts with me—my relationship with God, with myself, and with my fellow man. We’re talking commitment, devotion, all the juicy stuff that makes love what it actually is. I made a little playlist for what I want love to look like this year, and it’s lowkey filled with a mix of house tunes: Flowers by Sweet Female Attitude, Freefall by Kaytranada & Durand Bernarr and Taste by VanJess, just to name a few. So many songs that speak to where I’m at and capture the pulse of what I want love to feel like. I realized some of these songs mirror what I’m expecting love to feel like in my body—and I’ve never really taken the time to think about that before. I blame horrible love examples for that. Oh, that brings me to my next point..
The oversaturation of relationship content is becoming the equivalent of porn
I know that’s rich coming from someone who loves to write about love, but hear me out. Love is never going to not be a hot topic. As long as humans exist, we’ll keep trying to understand each other and how we relate to love (I hope). But what I think we’re really seeing right now is a surge of content that, in most cases, boils down to: “how to not get played,” or “how to over-intellectualize your experience,” or “because of my attachment style, love language, and past trauma, I’m teaching you how to rehearse my brokenness in a way that keeps me safe enough to heal a little… but not really.” And most of this is coming from people who are still figuring it out themselves. I’m not saying talking out loud to figure it out is a bad thing, but I do think we should be more particular about who we decide to learn love from. I recently finished Communion by bell hooks and literally held the book close to my heart when I was done. Much like All About Love, it felt like an honest conversation that gave me space to ask real questions and sit with real answers about what it means to be someone who is actually committed to the practice of love. It made me think about the difference between the kind of “advice” we consume online and the kind of wisdom that actually forms us. Learning love in the wrong places will really have us assed out in the same way porn did. Literally no pun intended. My advisor recently told a room full of people that, as much as she cares what we think, she doesn’t, because we haven’t earned it yet. I felt that because it’s similar to the advice one would get from newlyweds compared to a couple who have been weathering storms for 20+ years. Her bringing that up made me think more deeply about whether we’re actually practicing love, or if we’re practicing control, self-protection, and performance—calling it love because it sounds softer than what it really is. I’ll be carrying these questions with me into the next chapters of my Practice of True Love series, coming back with a new piece just in time for Valentine’s Day.
USE THAT WHITE RAGE FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
I was briefly on Facebook for a couple of weeks, and saw one of my old teachers having a meltdown re: all that’s happening with ICE. Rightfully so, this entire thing is horrible. But what frustrated me was this constant bickering and whining about it. I think that I’ve personally reached my limit for this existential expression of dread in these situations that specifically come from white folks. Mainly because this unfortunately becomes the reality that people begin to see when a white person dies, which makes me question: Why is there constantly a delay in white rage? While I grieve Renee Good and Alex Petti and every other person who has been courageous enough to stand up for their neighbors and have unfortunately been martyred because of it, I was already grieving Keith Porter – a black man in Carson, California who was murdered by ICE on New Years Eve, and before that Jean Wilson Brutus, a Haitian man who died in ICE’s custody. I am fatigued by the people who are just now waking up to a reality that many of us have been living in. One where last summer, LA was loud about what we experienced, where my native Boston watched people get kidnapped. Where, on some days, I’m sharing TPS updates on what’s to come and how they relate to the Haitian community, and in committee meetings discussing different strategies and upcoming bills. I am even more fatigued by those who make the distinction between themselves and the white evangelical church while still doing nothing. I acknowledge and recognize that white people are not a monolith. Some of the movement leaders, people who’ve helped recognize my voice, taught me the power of knowing history and my lineage (Mrs. Houle, that’s a specific shout to you), or who are on my list of inspirations, are white. But for those of you who somehow missed it all this time and are new here, let that frustration move you into action, please. I am not impressed by your words. WE are not impressed by your words. If you need a moment to catch your breath, valid. But don’t take too long, there’s work to be done. And for those of you who were crying over the murder of Charlie Kirk but can’t find that same sorrow for these innocent lives taken, bless your heart.
Pour Out A Little Liquor
Earlier this month, I got the chance to chat with a group of teens from Anaheim High to talk about the creative process behind Bear Fruit. I took time to explain who I was and shared a bit of my background, naming how much of my work has been influenced by my upbringing and how this particular piece is centered around mental health. I went on to explain stats and shared my own personal interest in the mental health of black and brown men, and spoke to my teenage years and what it looked like to work through the deaths of many friends at a young age. I didn’t think much of it in the moment, but later it dawned on me that I had just told a group of kids from a seemingly “nice” school about the deaths of peers. For the first time, I realized how abnormal that is—or at least how abnormal it should be. I think back to the times when adults in school or work settings would bring in some elder to talk to us about how hard their upbringing was, how they too had friends who ended up dead or in jail, and how if we stayed on the right path, we could overcome those obstacles. And I found myself wondering: have I become that adult? What those adults never told us was how the trauma from those moments actually stays with you. A few months back, I saw a friend who was also my prom date and someone I love very much. We’ve stayed in touch, but this was the first time in a long time that I could hug them and laugh with them in real time, catching up on high school and life and everything in between. When I left, I found myself sobbing on the way home—not because anything bad had happened, but because this friend was alive. In 2021, just weeks before my sister passed, this friend was shot multiple times. Thankfully, he survived what could have been death or paralysis. Weeks after that, and after my sister’s passing, we FaceTimed, checking in on each other despite the weight of what we had both endured. To now be on the other side of that—hugging a friend, holding someone I love in my arms while life runs through their body—is something I don’t take for granted, and is something no one can prepare you for. Unlike those before me, I’m grateful that I was able to name what that does to our mental health. At times, I grieve that this is the story I have to tell. I grieve that friends who once sat in those same rooms as me, hearing those same lectures, have since been murdered or are in jail. I grieve a life that has been marked by moments that were never part of my dreams and are moments that could only be described as nightmares. All that’s left to do is decide to live, heal, pour one out for the dead homies.. for the martyred homies, and carry their legacies with me.
That’s all for this monkey brain. See you next month for No. 5, where I will for sure be chatting about Benito’s concert, which is being overshadowed by the Super Bowl (LET’S GO PATRIOTS), and how my cutting every line because it’s black history month went.
Thank you for sharing your life experiences with my students!
I also love what you said about "The over saturation of relationship content is becoming the equivalent of porn". I do agree that people have become so obsessed about how they will look in relationships rather than how they will FEEL. A teacher at my school was telling me that she "warned" another teacher not to start a relationship with his co-worker because it would look bad. I just listened because I thought it was a very hypocritical statement coming from someone that married a co-worker who was also a teacher. I feel like interrupting something that is sincere and organic is just so nosy, mind your business you know? If it doesn't work out oh well you move on but don't involve yourself in other peoples love life. I guess I'm a romantic in the sense that, if you don't try it or go for it I might regret it and I would hate to live with regret.
The anti ICE propaganda is getting out of control on social media. I feel like people feel guilt for not doing anything so they think constantly reposting is being proactive. I remember when George Floyd was killed and it became a debate about whether or not he deserved to be killed because he had a checkered past. But when this nurse died it was instant sorrow because how could you kill a nurse who served our country?! I don't know, I think that people don't sit enough with their own thoughts. George Floyd perhaps wasn't given the opportunities Alex was given or raised in the same environment. And he's not the only person that has died because of ICE, a lot of people have suffered and died.
Anyway, great read. I'm anxiously awaiting your take on Nicki Minaj's MAGA support.
Kanye forever <3 Love him. I read his apology letter like a scorned ex girlfriend hahaha. I still love Kanye, people only accept mental health symptoms they can tolerate. He's been through a lot, and one of the greatest musical and visual artists of our time so I have deep respect for the guy. If people still hang old white dudes paintings (who most were abusers and pedos btw) why can't we still support Kanye you know.
The meme has me on the floor in tears please 😭😭😭🤭